13 December 2010
I developed this Xmas card before November 22nd when my life turned upside down, leaving me to deal with a whirlwind of emotions. Still, I wanted to send it to you all and wish every naughty reader (and we know we are a legion on our own) a wonderful Xmas shared with loved ones, lively conversations and good food.
I also want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one who commented on the post; The loss of my soulmate. The warmth, hugs, prayers and sharing of own stories is much appreciated! I can't emphasize on that enough, even though I may not answer each e-mail, or reply to each comment, know that I read every single one of them and take in the comfort it brings.
I quote from Dr.J's comment here: "There can't be anything more devastating than losing the one person that made your life so complete. But you will find that there will come a day when your memories will be just as precious, your heart will resound with love for Henry just as always, and you will continue to miss him. But the awful sense of painful emptiness will not be so bad."
Many people tell me this in one form or another and it is my small light to guide me at this time. Right now all I can feel is the painful emptiness; reaching out my hand knowing I will never find his - never hearing his voice again or watching him being moved by a guitar or drum solo.
Come this Xmas I will remember the Xmas morning 14 years ago when Henry proposed to me, the promise he gave me in the love he felt and life he wanted with me and how he lit up like a thousand candles as I said yes. I will have my family surrounding me at Xmas and I'm glad for that comfort, my brother is even willing to watch Sex In The City 2! We will celebrate my brother and father's b-day the next day (second Xmas day here in the Netherlands) and then I'm off for a few days up north with my dogs and sister.
Whether you've been naughty or nice...I hope you all have an incredible Xmas where small and big wishes come true!
01 December 2010
On November 22nd 2010 my life altered in the most profound way and I never saw it coming. For those who know me, know how much Henry and I shared together; the love, the difficulties, the mundane and the extraordinary. I found out what an absolute rare gift it is to be so loved by one man, to be the center of his life, his heart and though he wasn't perfect we fitted together at the heart and soul.
When his boss picked me up with the news Henry got unwell at work I instantly knew it was his heart since his father died at 49 of a heart attack. I think during that car trip I just about made every deal with God. Let him be alive, let me be able to care for him, let him be safe and sound, let us have a chance to fight or heal from whatever got him to the ER of the hospital! To arrive and be escorted to a family room to receive the devastating blow my husband died is something I still need to recover from. There was no sign Henry had a weak or damaged heart, he didn't have an unhealthy life style, he was just taken away from me and those near to him in one flash.
As a reader of romance novels the term soul mate is often used and though I knew so very early on in our relationship I had something special the love became something I got used to. Only now, after he died, I found out how much entwined we both were...how special and treasured the bond we have was. I have got no clue how to live on without him, how to deal with the loss of his everyday hugs. I even miss our arguments, those Mars/Venus moments and I even miss him rattling on about every rock band known to man kind. I miss him in the ordinary and extraordinary ways....
From the moment I heard the news about his death many have shared memories or pictures of him with me. I would've been lost without my family and my sister, Natascha, who has been my rock these past days, even though she had to deal with the loss too. Pearl and Marissa who were there lending me there strength and sharing in the pain. Janna, your messages are treasured! I want to thank each and all who has reached out through e-mail or via the ROOB blog announcement with their heartfelt comments! Each one has been appreciated in this time of loss.
As you all can imagine I need time to deal with the loss and the void Henry has left behind. I'm a widow at the age of 34...not something I aspired but something I need to accept in my own time. In the coming months my blog will not be as active as it was these last few years, perhaps it never will be but as one famous man once said; "I'll be back!" My passion for books hasn't died, it just can't be my no.1 priority right now. So for those who has send me their book for review, it will come, just not any time soon.
I hope everyone else had a wonderful thanksgiving or is preparing for the coming holidays! If you have a soulmate of your own, hug him, tell him how much you love having him in your life and I know it's difficult in everyday life but take time to romance one another. The first thing I told Henry when I saw his body was that I wanted to love him in life for another 50 years and I hate it that this is taken away from me, that Henry is taken away from me!
We can always find romance in books but it is the romance in real life that is a rare treasure to enjoy!
Labels: Leontine's 411 on life