22 November 2011

Three short words...


Last year on this day my world spun on its axes with the sudden death of Henry. Inevitably people kept asking me how I was in the months thereafter and each time I felt tongue tied. How do you describe the void left by him or the constant screaming of one’s soul? As the sky poured snow I barely had any interest in reading yet in December I did read a duology by Joey W Hill and in Mirror Of My Soul I read a paragraph where recognition of the emotions portrayed struck me with a powerful blow. This author managed to capture exactly how I felt:

Joey W Hill's Mirror Of My Soul: “Tell me what you want.” His mouth whispered it, those lips close to hers. Her own parted, letting out a breath that was a near sob. “I want to be whole. Feel it just once more.” She raised her palms before her face. “I remember lying there with David beneath feeling his heart stop beating. I tried to cup his head in my hands and it was wet…so soft. Softer than a baby’s skull. “And there were these people around. Staring at us. But I felt so alone, because David was gone. His heart was no longer my heart, his voice in my head was gone. And they didn’t know me, didn’t know us. And I wondered, ‘Will anyone ever share my soul again? Get inside me and know my thoughts?’ No. Surely not. And yet, I didn’t die. That’s the most intolerable cruelty, that you can realize that truth and not die.”

I realized I could emotionally bleed from a fatal wound but still live to see the days turn in to weeks and then in to months. A year has already gone by now. The first time I laughed I cried two seconds later. The first time I saw the make, model and color of our car drive by my heart skipped a beat in joy that Henry was coming home early. Only to realize seconds later he wasn’t. Music by Queen, Gary Moore, U2 and others made me see him so clearly yet is was a picture from my heart. I took a fantastic trip. Met new people. Experienced all these new fantastic things but when I arrived home all I wanted was to share it with Henry…and all I could do was stare at his empty place on the couch. If one man was challenging me to accept the new direction our life was heading, it was him. I’ve got a new job and loving it…just like he said I would. Only coming home and not sharing my day with him or enjoying a night out, social obligations or just a lazy weekend together is something that is hard for me to deal with. It all boils down to three short words that encompass so much;

I miss him!

In the good and the bad. In all the ordinary and extraordinary ways.

Today I will crack up the volume and listen to some of Henry's favorite music – including the man he thought had a talent not from this world to play the guitar; Gary Moore.



PS:I also wanted to thank everyone who send me their hugs & love via whatever digi way they chose! I can't express how much it means to me (((huggles))) back.

18 comments:

  1. Dear dear sister of my blood and soul, words cannot describe how odd i feel today, last years day seems to be repeating over and over again in my head, minute by minute, second by second. Vividly imprinted in my mindseye, walking alongside while i experience this day. And now more than ever i would like to give you a hug in reallife, not the slight comfort of the loss you feel so cruelly always but now more than ever. All I can say is i love you so much, i miss.him too in everything thing he was, to you, to me, to our iYfamily and friends. A candle has been burning for him from the moment i came home and will stay that way till i go to bed tonight. Know that you are in my mind and sending you all the.love i have within me through time and space your way. Hugs from me, Bodhi, Ash and Simi. Love Natascha

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  2. You are the strongest woman, I know. I love you and I wish I could hug you right now.

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  3. Oh honey, you made me cry in the office. *sniff* You are a strong loving woman and it sucks that you've had to endure such pain. Hugs from me.

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  4. I've been thinking about you all day, wishing I could do something for you. It's so hard to know you're in such pain. Sending you lots of love and hugs, hon. xoxo

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  5. I can already picture him playing "luchtgitaar", I know you miss him and how hard this is for you, I have been thinking about you all day long. If you need me you know I come over, night or day, it doesn't matter. For now sending you lots of cyber hugs and love. Take care of yourself hon.

    Love & XOXO

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  6. Already a year has gone by, and I admire you for how you have gone on, alone but with your family and friends there for your. The new things you have tackled and enjoyed. Gone, but never forgotten, for always in your heart.

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  7. *hugs tightly*

    I do admire the strength that has made it possible for you to go on

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  8. Big warm hugs to you. Have you thought about writing a story, to commemorate your love? It could be a good healing process.

    My Darcy Vibrates…

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  9. **Sweetie** I'm so sorry. I know, I know; that helps, and it doesn't. (You know why...God what a year 2010 was, eh?) You keep your chin up, love. David would want that.
    Sending you lots and lots of love and healing.
    Julianne

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  10. All I can say has already been said.
    I admire you and your strength to carry this immense loss the way you do!

    Love you!
    M

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  11. Wow! How unbelievably touching and heartbreaking. I wish you peace and love.

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  12. Oh honey you make my heart feel for you. I wish I was there now and could you give you a great big real life hug instead of a cyber one.

    I hope that playing Henry's favorite music made you smile instead of cry - or laugh through your tears as you remembered him for the good man I'm sure he was. He had to be to have someone as wonderful as you love him as you do.

    {{big hug}}

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  13. I know exactly what you're going through. Sometimes I think "how are you" can be the worst question ever. I'm so sorry you're going through this but if you ever want someone to talk to.. who knows exactly what it feels like, you know where to find me.

    I hope all the support you have helps in some small way. You're such a beautiful, strong, and intelligent woman and I'm in awe of you.

    *big hugs*

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  14. I wish I had magic words of comfort, but I don't...all I can offer is a big(((hug))).

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  15. Guys - I *heart* you all for the comments that you left behind. It's so very much apreciated. Many hugs to you all!!

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  16. Sweety, squishy hugs for you. It's not the same, but I've known loss too and it gets easier over time even if it doesn't seem so now. Remember, honor the dead by living and remembering them :-)

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  17. Big HUG. You've been on my mind. <3

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