Last year on this day my world spun on its axes with the sudden death of Henry. Inevitably people kept asking me how I was in the months thereafter and each time I felt tongue tied. How do you describe the void left by him or the constant screaming of one’s soul? As the sky poured snow I barely had any interest in reading yet in December I did read a duology by Joey W Hill and in Mirror Of My Soul I read a paragraph where recognition of the emotions portrayed struck me with a powerful blow. This author managed to capture exactly how I felt:
Joey W Hill's Mirror Of My Soul: “Tell me what you want.” His mouth whispered it, those lips close to hers. Her own parted, letting out a breath that was a near sob. “I want to be whole. Feel it just once more.” She raised her palms before her face. “I remember lying there with David beneath feeling his heart stop beating. I tried to cup his head in my hands and it was wet…so soft. Softer than a baby’s skull. “And there were these people around. Staring at us. But I felt so alone, because David was gone. His heart was no longer my heart, his voice in my head was gone. And they didn’t know me, didn’t know us. And I wondered, ‘Will anyone ever share my soul again? Get inside me and know my thoughts?’ No. Surely not. And yet, I didn’t die. That’s the most intolerable cruelty, that you can realize that truth and not die.”
I realized I could emotionally bleed from a fatal wound but still live to see the days turn in to weeks and then in to months. A year has already gone by now. The first time I laughed I cried two seconds later. The first time I saw the make, model and color of our car drive by my heart skipped a beat in joy that Henry was coming home early. Only to realize seconds later he wasn’t. Music by Queen, Gary Moore, U2 and others made me see him so clearly yet is was a picture from my heart. I took a fantastic trip. Met new people. Experienced all these new fantastic things but when I arrived home all I wanted was to share it with Henry…and all I could do was stare at his empty place on the couch. If one man was challenging me to accept the new direction our life was heading, it was him. I’ve got a new job and loving it…just like he said I would. Only coming home and not sharing my day with him or enjoying a night out, social obligations or just a lazy weekend together is something that is hard for me to deal with. It all boils down to three short words that encompass so much;
I miss him!
In the good and the bad. In all the ordinary and extraordinary ways.
Today I will crack up the volume and listen to some of Henry's favorite music – including the man he thought had a talent not from this world to play the guitar; Gary Moore.
PS:I also wanted to thank everyone who send me their hugs & love via whatever digi way they chose! I can't express how much it means to me (((huggles))) back.